Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I think I am morally bankrupt
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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