Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
