So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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