I queefed so loud it echoed.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We had to coat check the pizza.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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