I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
