If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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