# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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