fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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