and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
