I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
