end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
