Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
