So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
