I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
