I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
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She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
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Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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