So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
