Your dad touched me again.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
