She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
