Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
