Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
