Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You've changed since you got that strap on
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I think i got beer on your cat.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
