I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
