I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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