I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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