I'm so fucking centered right now
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
