a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
