real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
