Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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