i barfeds in our rink
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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