Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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