I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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