As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
