You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
