I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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