I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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