Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
