A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
