when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
