You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
