My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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