So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
