a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that