I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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