omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
