Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
