Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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