I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
