So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
