im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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