So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
