Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
