Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
