i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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