Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
