i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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