the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
